I recently read a blog article about grief. in it, the author tells of his life experiences that left him grieving, and how people had offered platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" and "take responsibility". he argues that the only way to support someone who is grieving is to acknowledge and simply be there with them.
he also argues that we don't get to choose whether we grieve, in his words "when hell visits us, we don't get to escape grieving". and that certain things in life are too devastating to be fixed, they can only be carried.
the thing is, there is another option not mentioned in that statement. feelings can also be suppressed.
I have a long personal history of denying my feelings, of turning a blind eye to what is going on inside me, of being tough at every cost. for many years, the only way for me to handle my swirling, deep, unsettling, overwhelming emotions was to pretend they don't exist.
this was not directly coming from anyone outside of me, it was coming from inside me, where I heard a loud voice telling me to "be tough" and that I was "too much". this vicious circle did not stop at stubbing my toe and biting down the pain instead of crying out, however. because of my ambitions, and also conditioning, to succeed in life, I felt driven to keep going at any cost, lest people would see me as "too emotional" and "not to be trusted", things I heard often in real life. so emotions had to go. and go they did. to the extent that nothing, absolutely nothing, touched me.
again in the words of the blog article: "grief is brutally painful. grief does not only occur when someone dies. when relationships fall apart, you grieve. when opportunities are shattered, you grieve. when dreams die, you grieve. when illnesses wreck you, you grieve."
I'll tell you how this felt to me. being forced to turn away from a career I had been working towards all my life? nothing. a close family member fighting cancer? nothing. a relationship of many years breaking apart? nothing. a loved one dying? nothing.
I was numb. I had successfully suppressed every single feeling, as a coping strategy, in the face of overwhelm and helplessness over how to handle any emotion.
the turning point came when I started stepping inside myself in emotional situations. in my numb times, emotional situations had happened to a projection, I had felt as if I was looking at this person from the outside, and could therefore turn my back on her and the situation would no longer be happening.
this kind of grieving leaves deep, raw, bleeding wounds that never stop to seep, embedded inside your soul until you finally acknowledge them, accept them as your own, hold the space for them to express their pain and be there for them while they heal.
in other words, I took responsibility for what was happening to me.
I couldn't help that these devastating situations had come to pass in my life, it was not my fault. but putting my hands up and pretending I hadn't seen what had happened, and that the situation had no impact on me, because it was happening to my projection, was exactly what was creating the invisible wounds hidden away in my proverbial skeleton closet.
let me tell you, stepping into myself was scary. when I finally took responsibility for what had happened in my life, all of those old, bleeding, raw, seeping unhealed wounds came back ALL of them at once. and the only way was through. I let them wash over me, acknowledged them, was there with myself, holding my own hand and having my own back all of the time.
now, I can feel again. I have learnt tools to handle my emotions. one of which is grief. carrying it. eventually. when I say "everything happens for a reason" what I mean is that there is something I am ignoring, some experience I am not allowing, not living, but burying where it will never rest in peace. life is for living. all of it. and I am infinitely grateful for finding the way back into myself, for reconnecting with my soul, for it is the home of both the dark days and the light.
it is the home of life.
link to the blog article: https://shrinkrap.co.za/psychotherapy/happen-reason-tim-lawrence
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