I am different.
after a very long time of denying this fact, I can finally say it out loud: I am different. it is liberating to acknowledge it, to wholeheartedly mean what I say. and it did not come easy.
I grew up in a rural village in Switzerland with a couple of churches, a couple of supermarkets, a couple of schools and no character. I started school at the age of seven and immediately felt misplaced. I was emotional, intense, complex and had strong feelings about things. I cared. I empathised with the mistreated dog in the story the teacher was telling at break time, with the kids suffering from the jibes of the loud, extroverted, strong boy, who of course became head of the gang of the exact same kids he loved to pester, with the hero of the childrens' adventure story my mum hoped I would enjoy reading, and everything and everyone else just for good measure. these things meant so much to me, I wanted someone to do something about them, to save the dog, to stop the gang leader, to help those who needed help and to prevent people and animals and plants and all other creatures from suffering. I could not understand why unjust, unhealthy, uncaring and sometimes plain nasty behaviours and situations were tolerated, even encouraged. the kids in my class seemed to be pretending they were something I could tell they were not, saying what they didn't mean and not doing what they said. everyone seemed to be hiding behind a carefully crafted facade. I hadn't known facades were a thing, so to everyone else I looked plain, messy, and wrong. and everyone seemed to be playing along with this masquerade. I was completely confused, I could not understand how no one saw through the deception. the only thing I could tell for sure was that I did not belong in their show, and since I was the only one, there must be something wrong with me. out of sheer fear of being excluded, I started paying attention to the rules the world around me ran by and copied them, desperately doing my best to fit in.
over the years, I became better and better at living up to the implicit rules of the human world and losing myself over it. since I had decided early on that there was everything wrong with the true me, and nothing wrong with anyone else, everyone else was superior and therefore right. I became a professional people pleaser, forever dependent on external validation.
the rules I learnt about the functioning of the human world ran as follows:
-the highest value in life is success, which is measured by the amount of money in your bank account, or any other status symbol you are able to display
-it is not OK to be satisfied with where you're at or what you have, you must always strive for more, better, larger, higher
-the more power you have, the more worthy you are
-the facade is much more important than what lies behind
-it is OK to put self-interest above common interest, the suffering of other stakeholders can simply be ignored
-if there is something to gain short-term, don't worry about long-term effects
-don't look closely, dig deep or ask uncomfortable questions
-always be pleasant and forthcoming
-you must not burden the other person by crying or showing feelings
-don't care about anything, it would make you vulnerable
-always be tough, sensitivity is dangerous
-it is advisable to exploit shared goods or use other people for personal advancement, for if you don't do it, someone else will get there first
-always pretend to like everyone, no matter whether this is true
-kindness might be nice to have, but is incompatible with the modern world
-always know your place in society and comply with the social standards designed for your group -everyone must submit to these rules, for they are irrevocable
then came the day when the true me that I had hidden away so many years before returned and decided that those were rules I did not want to live by. instead, I listened within, uncovered my own truths and decided on a set of rules that I could internally validate. and once again, I became what I was not supposed to be. different.
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