y'all might be wondering where I'm coming from.
writing is how I express what's going on for me. I am not by nature a loud or exuberant person. in fact, I am often quiet and withdrawn, especially in large groups. don't get me wrong, with my good friends I am rarely lost for words, quite to the contrary. but with people I don't know well or in unfamiliar surroundings, I am not the one to seek centre-stage. I don't profess my deeds gladly, preferring to let my actions speak for themselves. this introverted side to my personality is not always received to my advantage, leaving me feeling unheard and unseen, and so, my contribution to the situations I find myself in are rarely recognised. being the quiet one doesn't mean I have nothing to say, I have a great deal to say, but I struggle to do so face-to-face. I am learning to stand up for myself, but it is in writing that I can best express myself, best convey my take on things. here's why.
since I was a kid, I have been involved in action sports. I took up skiing when I was very little, moving into ski racing during primary school. later, I became a ski instructor and decided it was time for a summer activity, so I learnt to mountainbike. all of which are very loud activities.
let me explain what I mean by loud activities. when you ski, you are being active, you are expending energy. the faster you go, the larger the necessary physical forces for effecting a turn. it's essentially the same story for mountainbiking. both of these sports are very expressive, you express feelings in your riding, and release pent-up emotions. you also play with adrenaline, which makes everyone excited and boisterous. among the many riding crews that I have found myself throughout the years, the vast majority of people followed this blueprint of predominantly dealing out energy.
in Ancient Chinese Philosophy this way of interacting with the world, what I perceive as loudness, is called Yang. It has also been called the masculine principle, or the exhale. but whatever you want to call it, it is never alone. throughout time and cultures, it is always coupled with Yin, the feminine, or the inhale. they are always interrelated, interdependent, the one cannot exist without the other. if Yang is sound, then Yin is the ear hearing the sound.
in my experience, it would be wrong to believe that the Yin or feminine principle is limited to women, and the Yang or masculine principle is limited to men. I have experienced both principles in either gender, and as they are always interrelated, it would be impossible to separate the two into two distinct categories anyhow.
if, however, everyone always wants to be the most excited, the fastest, the most impressive rider, or the one to tell the story after the ride, because you're so high on adrenaline you can't stop yourself, that obviously leads to a high load of Yang and very little Yin. in other words, people may be telling all of these epic tales of their rides, but because everyone is busy talking, no one is actually listening.
in such environments, I really struggle. I feel I am drowning in noise. I go quiet, because there is so much unappreciated information hovering around the group already, and I become unable to add more. I am someone who is innately incapable of demanding other people to listen to me. if I feel listened to, I open up, but in a situation where I would have to make myself heard, I can't do it.
I noticed this issue quite early on, but I was just so passionate about my sports, I really wanted to find a place among others with the same interests, I wanted to progress and learn. I joined teams and classes, and met with the same dynamic over and over again. I adopted a loud role, because I did actually progress and become quite good at what I love doing so much, and felt acting was the only way to keep up verbally with the others. I was sick of always having to prove myself, just because when everyone huddled up I was the one who never got to say anything. but my role was just that, a role. it was never truly me.
it has been quite a journey to unlearn the role after all of those years, but because I was really not well at all because of all of the pretending around something that I actually find exceedingly stressful, I had to get started. now that I am gradually learning the ins and outs of being me in the world I find myself in, I have discovered that writing is my safe space, where I can express myself freely, because anyone reading what I write has decided to go into Yin mode, otherwise they will just stop and go off and do something else. this is unbelievably liberating to me, I can put out whatever I desire, and it is there hovering around until someone chooses to read.
and so I write.
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